Emily and I were walking back from the Redwoods on a lovely one lane road, with a creek on one side, moss covered trees, PICTURE PERFECT, we were blissfuly happy enjoying ourselves in our surroundings when a car slowed down, crossed onto our side of the road, rolled down the window, stopped and asked us " What would you do if you had a decision to make and didn't know what to do?" I FREAKED OUT INSIDE, I immediately thought to myself "if I don't give the right answer He?? She?? will shoot and kill us" ????? Emily said, "I don't know" I said "I would go to sleep, I always make better decisions when I am rested", a car drove up behind us, she/he had to get out of the road, she/he drove off looking back at us, saying Thank you. WE FREAKED out??? I was embarrassed to tell Emily I thought that she/he was going to kill us but I did. Emily felt/thought the exact same thing?? We both first felt that he/she was going to kill us OR kill him/her self??

We walked faster then we had been walking, we probably had another mile to walk to get back to Orr Hot Springs. We were both shaking, felt cold, we were scared. We talked through it?? Was it a man or woman?? Was she going to kill us? I had noticed the tattoos on her fingers, wrists and arms. Emily thought it was a good sign that there was a dog in the car? we disagreed on this one, My thought was that she would sick the dog on us??? Having been bitten by a dog I am pretty scared of the ones I don't know and look scary to me??

Every car that came past us freaked us out, we stopped, turned around to see if it was HIm/Her??

After a while we started to laugh about it, wondered if we read too much news? We laughed about being thankful we would not end up on the front page of a news paper as the two girls killed on Thanksgiving Weekend. We thought we had made it???? Then she/he drove up again>>>>>>>>>>

We both freaked out. Emily was the good talker this time. Asked her/him if she/he was okay?? She said, "obviously NOT" Emily asked if she wanted to get out of the car and talk but the tone in Emilie's voice sounded pretty authoritative and more like a demand. The girl (we decided latter) just stared at us??? I was still unsure if we were going to be killed or not?? I was closer to the car than Emily, I wanted to see inside? See if she was holding a gun? Emily talked.. She started to tell the girl that her Mother had just died three weeks ago and she was not prepared for it and was not happy. I told the girl I had been sexually abused as a kid and beaten by my Father but I WAS HAPPY, I told her I had just about every form of therapy a person could do and there was hope for her. We both told her it was important to have close friends to get support from, I hugged Emily, told the girl we meet a year ago and love each other. The girl told us she felt USED AND ABUSED, she said she needed her Mother but her Mother would not be there until tomorrow. She told us she had good friends. Emily told her to go home and make macaroni and cheese??? The girl wiped a tear, said thanks and drove off…..

"What was the mac and cheese about" I asked Emily??? "to give her something to focus on to do" she said??? Okay????

We both though it was not too long to wait until tomorrow for her Mother to be coming?? We hoped the young girl would be able to hold out until then???

We wanted to tell the girl how SCARED we were by her behavior?? By now we new it was all about her, felt sorry for her, had compassion for her but our bodies were still freaked out and in shock. We both feared for our lives??? Neither one of us had ever felt that way before?? Emily lived through the Tsunami in Thailand and I though for sure i was going to die when I jumped out of an airplane but we had never felt fear for our lives in this way?? IT was EARY??

We were happy to get back to our cottage. We both laid down on our beds and fell asleep. The shock and fear took away our energy.

Sooo much for a lovely weekend in the country???

It was unfortunate it happen?? I have been going to Orr for over 25 years. It is one of my favorite places in the world, it has always been my garden of eden, my safe place. The day after it happened, Emily wanted to go for a walk while I had my massage but she wouldn't go because of what happen. We were both hopeful that we were of help to the poor girl but really not happy about how she went about asking for help??? Scarred the poop out of us!

Credit goes to Mrs. Murdoch for this one! If you want to make it veggie just cook what ever veggies you want and use that in the layer instead of the chicken.

I have discovered the Poems and art work by Brian Andreas, he calls his work the  "The Story People".

His Poem below reminded me of my experience with the butterflies after my dear Dellalou died.

He told me that the night his mother died, there were storms & far away lightning & someone left the window open & the room filled with a swirl of butterflies & she slipped out without anyone noticing

& I'm sure the grief was softer because of that.

I was at a glass camp in Germany at the time. I had a powerful dream one night about how much fun Dellalou would have being with me at this amazing art school, I felt her presence, her spirit flying through the place. There was no internet connection, phone or means of communicating for the three weeks I was there. When I got back to civilization and checked my e-mails there were many, some from Dellalou.. "where are you? I think you are in Germany, call me" some from friends, "Call Dellalou she is in hospice" then there were others.... "I'm sorry" ........ 

I couldn't believe it???? Dellalou was fine!!! She was taking horse back ridding lessons with her oxygen tank but she was FINE!!!!! How could she die??? I was in a crying rage , thinking to myself ??? "why didn't I make an agreement with Dellalou to let me know if there was life after death by making a pack with me to come back and let me know by giving me a sign" EXACTLY then,  I heard.... ikk..ikkk.... I looked up and there in the closet of my bedroom was a butterfly sitting on my clothes?? Immediately I knew the butterfly was Dellalou, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she was telling me "silly girl, we didn't need to verbally make a pack, here I am, it is true, there is life after the ones in our bodies on earth"  

That night two butterflies slept in the rafters of our garden house in Holland. The next day there were HUNDREDS of butterflies in the garden, (there had never been any EVER!!) PEACE and ACCEPTANCE filled me in that experience. I knew Dellalou was around me, in me, a part of me. I miss her on a daily basis but I do not have grief. When the butterflies come around She brings me JOY. She BELIEVED we were on this earth to ENJOY IT, to expereince Joy every minute of every day. 

A year ago I was swimming back in Kealakakua Bay (same place Dellalou and I had been 15years earlier), I had a beautiful experience with a baby dolphin that had been swimming calmly with it;s mother until I started singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and the baby started jumping out of the water Spinning, going Nuts. It was one of the most beautiful experience I had ever had with the dolphins. As I swam back to shore a Butterfly (Dellalou) swam right above me, hovering over the water right next to me allll the way back to shore. She came to join me again, to enjoy a swim with our friends. 

On that same trip with Dellalou 15 years earlier, our mediation group went to get dolphin tattoos after out first swim with the dolphins. I was the last to get one because I KNEW my Mother would KILLLLLLLLL me. (That is another funny story, she didn't kill me, in fact a few years latter we were back in Kealakakua Bay for Christmas with my family and Mom tried to get Joanie to get a dolphin tattoo, she said" Joanie, If I swam with the dolphins I would go get a tattoo") UNBELIEVABLE, surprise surprise, never imagined in my wildest dreams that my Mother would encourage my daughter to get a tattoo. Joanie said, "My Father would KILLLL me" Verry funny what we do and don't do because of what we think our parents will think of us?? and sometimes were WRONG???

I digressed.... Back to this story.....

Directly after the beautiful swim last year with the dolphins and Dellalou's Butterfly I went directly and got a tattoo. The original was just the one dolphin, I added the "waves" which is a design I have done all my life, the baby dolphin (in memory of the experience with the dolphin and in anticipation of having a grandchild, (tanner is now almost 9 months old) and my butterfly in memory of my dear Dellalou who I know is an Eternal Butterfly enjoying her life and spreading her JOY.

PS. The butterfly photo was taken by me, in our garden, when this miracle happened.

PSS. The other thing you should know about Dellalou is that she changed her name to Vanessa (which means Butterfly), at a certain time in her life after having had a beautiful expereince with a butterfly who was in the process of dying. ALLL the more reason I knew the butterflies were Dellalou!!!

My GOALS were to attempt to learn to LET GO, RELAX, TRUST, FEEEEEEL.. BIG ASKS....and I made progress. The teachers for the four day intensive were INTENSE, verry serious, dedicated to the TRUE one and only BLUES. We learned through looking at a skeleton how the pelvis works, we learned how to move verry specific muscles we didn't even know we had. THEN, on the weekend we had many different teaches, my FAVORITE was Heidi, she taught the Story Of Blues..... She danced through her imaginary day, she work up in the morning and pulled off the covers, slid back the shower door, made her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.... THIS WAS MY KIND OF LEARNING, having fun, being playful, letting it RIP... I didn't care what I looked like or if I was doing it right, I was FEELING it and having FUN. The things I learned about myself.....I have held tight to protect myself, I have depended on myself, attempting to be supported by another is a challenge AND I want to learn how to do it so it feels effortless and enjoyable. I learned that I tend to put the weight on the outside of my foot, especially the right one??? Observing, Observing?? I learned how to FEELL how to stand up right and strong and relaxed?? I should say I was taught that and I still have a lot of practice to get there. Bending my knees is BIG, I cant have movement unless they are bent. BREATHING is BIG, Sinking DOWN, while keeping my chest open and strong, NOT a lot to ask!!! YES IT IS!!!! All New for me. It was a challenge, frustrating, confrontational. I had to dance in front of the group and get EVALUATED..... Given feedback..... Sweat Bullets I did!!! But I did it. The stress was evident, I basically had a stick up my ass AND I learned to keep my mouth shut and not criticize myself. I was told to THINK to myself, "I am beautiful" "I am beautiful" I have a lot to learn but I am doing it. I like that about myself. I see where I need to challenge myself and I am not afraid to attempt to learn. Last year it was verbal communication, (Goddess knows I am still working on it) this year it is Keeping and OPEN HEART, Letting GO, Feeling all the blessings inside my self and all that I have in my life. I am sooo appreciative that I am giving myself the TIME, MONEY and ATTENTION to do for myself what my soul needs to THRIVE. Thank the powers that be for all. www.rosecityblues.com and the SEXIEST Band that I could not keep still to. http://www.youtube.com/user/porterdavis