Dad (TOM BARTON) as HEAD OF THE HOUSE HOLD

Mike, Alice, Doug, Jennifer, Mom and ME.

YEARS ago I took a class in photography and found the negative of these photos in a brown paper bag stuffed on a high shelf in the closet...

I developed them, hand painted them and gave them to Mom and Dad as a Christmas Present.. Might have been one of the best gifts I ever gave them..... AND ME......

I had NO idea my parents had ever had any fun in life???
OR were ever FUNNY, silly, playful??

I only ever knew them as the youngest of their five kids.

I LOVE knowing they played at the beach, loved each other and had fun with each other.

I never knew my Father when he had a FLAT stomach???
I never knew my Dad when he was FUN and FRIVOLOUS????

Okay.. 
One time he took me to see Kooku The Clown at my elementary school and we ate black licorish together.

Dad did come roller skating at the roller rink a few times, we did skate arm in arm and did some fancy footwork..... He might have also taught me how to skate backwards???

Dad did take us hourseback ridding from time to time, those were GREAT adventures.... When I was real young I was on the horse with him, then he lead my horse with a rope, then I FINNALY got my own horse.... Dad taught me how to make the horse do what i wanted it to do.. "Show him who's BOSS" he yelled at me.. "Don't let him get away with that" (what ever that was?)

Dad also bought a water ski boat one year.... (with no discussion or consultation with my Mother) He saw it, loved it, bought it. IMPULSIVE man that he is.... That was one of his GREATEST decisions... It bought the whole familiy together.. we went camping at Lake Shasta for a week during the summer, had HEAPS of fun

The Things Dad Taught Me

How to hold the end of ANYTHING when he was working on a project.. I never learned to use the equipment but I learned how to push the end of the wood through the table saw, fetch what ever tool he needed and CLEAN up after carpenters.

 I worked for Dad for 5$ an hour when I was in highschool, he used to pay me to just drive around with him and keep him company and carry his brief case prior to me being old enough to hold a broom and shovel. Dad was proud of what a hard worker I was... He prided himself on FIRING some laborers who were fooling around and getting me to come do the job quicker and better than the GUYS... Yep.. he raised me to be one tough cookie...
I learned to cuss on the job site but boy if I did that at home Mom would wash my mouth out with soap..... I complained about the pictures of the naked women in the outhouse at the construction site... I think what I said was... "I want to bring in pictures of naked men and hang them in the outhouse... Equal opportunity" All the pictures came down... I think I was only ?? 15 at the time.

Dad made me a pair of stilts for Christmas one year.... I was GREAT on them.. I could walk all the way down to the elementary school and look inside the high windows of the boys gymnasium!!!

Dad taught me how to be tough, suck it up and deal with it..

Thanks to his poor communication skills I had an internal desire to learn Non Violent Communication...

Dad would give the shirt off his back to anyone, and the last $100 bill in his wallet OR what ever else anyone needed. Generous guy to a fault.

Dad was a great example to me as far living by his GUT....Following his instincts... (I sure wish I would have also learned how to think first before taking action and evaluate a situation before jumping in feet first)

Good Bad and Ugly... we cant pick and choose what characteristics we incorporate into our lives from our parents... It's all a part of who I am.

THE GOOD KIND LOVING DAD

I went to sleep on my Dads lap every night of my life until he could not carry me to bed anymore because I was sooo heavy. It broke my heart when he made me walk myself to bed.

I LOVED laying on my Dads check and listen to him sing "Froggy Went a Courting"

Joanie grew up going to sleep on Dads lap too

Here we all are in New Zealand REMBMERING the good old days and attempting to do our best to SQUASH Dad.

WHAT A GOOD SPORT

DAD as Santa Clause in New Zealand

Dad has a "THING" about trapping the squirrels and relocating them to the local park.. He is wearing some shirt about WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE....

Dad has ALWAYS embarrassed us.. AS kids going to Q HING LOW Chinese restaurant in Mt. View... "Dad... DO NOT EMBARRASS US" What does he do??? First thing.... Embarrasses us.

To this day it continues...

He is an OAKY from Miscoky.. always has been always will be

AND WE love him... The Good, Bad and Ugly... All of him.

OR.......

Little Miss Laura Woodrow organized a gathering of women a year ago. The idea was to COME TOGETHER, FEAST, CONNECT, DROP IN, DROP DOWN, GROUND, LOVE, SUPPORT, ENCOURAGE and FILL EACH OTHER UP..... It has been HUGLEY successful. Last night we CELEBRATED our one year anniversary.....

On the first night a year ago we went around the circle, said who we were, where we were, what we wanted to get out of the group.... 

I wanted to find a group of women who wanted to study the  "Artist Way" ....... 
I DID IT..... We had a BEAUTIFUL 12 week class..... IT was TRANSFORMATIONAL for me.... I learned to ASK, something from someone or SPIRIT every day and RECORD the results.. It was an exercise on building FAITH.
I learned to do one KIND thing for myself EVERYDAY.... WOW... Life is verry different when I really take care of myself and am really nice to myself, it is BEAUTIFUL... I learned to take myself OUT on ARITST DATES... Which basically means PLAY PLAY PLAY..... ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY......

I'm THRILLED to have lovely friends WONDERFUL AMAZING WOMEN.....Women I would not have meet had Laura not GATHERED us together.... Thank you Laura

Our TRIBE is the WOMEN OF THE WORLD, not just the small group here on the Peninsula, OUR TRIBE, MY TRIBE is WOMEN everywhere in the world.. I just have to REMEMBER to keep my heart open, know all we all want is to be LISTENED to, LOVED, CARED FOR, SUPPORTED, HELD.......

I've been in CIRCLES before..... My "Group" With my BELOVED Dellalou, Judy, Liz, Joyce, Maralyn, they were my "church" my Spiritual teachers, my Mothers.... We came together weekly for YEARS, we did a TONAL meditation, we SHARED our INTENTIONS.... I thank those women for helping me become the person I am today... Dellalou is in my HEART forever, a bit of her soul is in me.....That group dissolved after Judy moved to New Mexico.... after Dellalou died... AND each women is off continuing the circles in their own lives... so the circles continue spiraling on forever in many directions.

I want to REMEMBER, after I leave California in November, leave all these new women I have grown close to, women I now love....that my tribe is WOMEN OF THE WORLD and the connections will continue to grow where ever I am.... It just takes time... Time to grow together, share joys and sorrows, listen and be "there" for each other.... AND that it is OKAY... OKAY that my tribe is not all in one location... okay that the women I love are "spread out".. that I can not be with allllll the women I love in one place.....sometimes I MISS all the different women I love... I have LYNDA, Judith & Barbara in NEW ZEALAND, Marion, MJ & Yvone in Holland, Reni in Switzerland, when I'm not here in California I will miss the WOMEN here that I love....I dont want to miss anyone, I wish they were all in one place with me alll the time.... WHAT I want to REMMBER is that they are. THEY ARE ALL IN MY HEART...
Soooo many women in my HEART, Gratitude for the LOVE that overflows from the fulfillment I have from the WOMEN OF MY TRIBE....the WOMEN OF THE WORLD.

A VISION COME TRUE.....

A shared meal, 
under the oak tree,
dinning by candle light.

Singing around the camp fire.
Burning what we wanted to let go of..........

Burning what we want to CALL INTO OUR LIVES.............

MAKING MAGIC..........

MORE celebration of my 49th Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you girls for LOVING ME.........
xxoo

I hope I NEVER EVER forget the time Tanner held my hand when tears were running down my face, (Joanie was plucking hairs off my face and got way tooo close under my nose.... Painful) Tanner had been runnning around the yard having a blast, he was sooo observant he noticed my "crying" and ran over to care for me. AT ONE YEAR OLD....... HE IS AN OLD SOUL,,, a verry dear, sweet, caring, soul.

I HOPE I never forget the time Tanner rubbed my arm while I was holding him, he was LOVINGLY caressing my arm, feeling it sooo softly, gently, sooo sweet.

I HOPE I NEVER EVER EVER forget Tanner patting my butt as I cycled him around town...... He was just loving me, giving me love pats, letting me know he was enjoying our ride together. HE and I in the sunshine, with the wind blowing.... "I'm happpy you are pumping me around GRANDMA... I LOVE YOU".... I know that is what those pats on my butt meant..... Sweetheart. I cant wait for him to TALK??? To hear the words.. "I love you Grandma" Although words are not needed.. The way he looks at me tells me how much he loves and adores me... It is sooo good to be GRANDMA!!!!

I HOPE HOPE HOPE I will ALWAYS remember spending the day with Tanner.... Letting him lead the way, go where he wanted, go in what ever direction he wanted to go, stand on the corner and stair and point at the guys working on pruning the tree for as long as he wanted, sit on a bench for as long as he wanted, play with the peddles on the old mans bike for as long as he wanted, smile and tease the guys at the coffee shop, pick up every dirty leaf, feather, piece of garbage that interested him, follow his instincts and enjoy the day exactly how he wanted to.... Verry special......

I hope I NEVER forget Tanner waving good bye to me as I was driving away from his house after a day of PLAYING AND LOVING EACH OTHER... He looked thoughtful and sad, then he waved to me and blew me a kiss.... All on his own, no one told him, he sent me his LOVE...... I'm absolute MUSH, I'm done, I'm IN LOVE WITH THIS KID....He is the sweetest soul.

I HOPE .... in 20 years from now....when Tanner is 21 and I am 69 I REMEMBER how small his feet were in comparison to mine, how soft, innocent, precious he was, how much I loved the feel of his feet on mine, how much fun I had making him suck his own toes when I changed his diaper, how I covered his face with his own feet to play peek a boo...... HOW MUCH WE LOVED EACH OTHER TODAY.

I HOPE I will REMBMER FOREVER the fun Jordan and I had the other day.....

WHO knew going to the bank could be sooo much fun??? By the time we left everyone in the bank knew Jordans name, knew I was his GREAT AUNT…. knew Jordan was going to bring a sticker home to his BELOVED Mother…… Everyone said goodbye to us when we left, told us to come again….

And that was only in the bank….

We also went to the post office, pet store, dog washing bussiness, meet several old ladies coming and going on the street.. JOY was spread on each face we came in contact with.

GREAT LOVE

I hope I will always REMEMBER all the fun, love and adventures Jordan and I have enjoyed in his three young years of life here on this planet.......

He was my Buddha, Our TYPHOON

He "seemed" to like My GREEN DRINK, 

Taking him to the Depwali Festival,

Teaching Jordan how to sing....... Take out the papers and the trash, or you don't get no spending CASH.......if you better scrub that kitchen FLOOORRRR  or you ain't gonna rock and roll no more, yackety yack... don't talk back, take out the dog and bring in the cat............

Taking Jordan to 'church" = The Center For Spiritual Enlightenment... Where... On his first visit he clapped verrry loud when the music was done AND said to HELLO to EVERYONE as he walked down the middle of the isle on his way to the front of the auditorium at the end of the church service!!!!!!

AWLAYS AN ADVENTURE with Jordan....
ALMOST EVERYONE who meets him says, "what a character" which is sooooo TRUE...

I HOPE HOPE HOPE I will always REMEMBER Jordan saying, "I have all I need" every time it was time to leave the house and he had collected absolutely as many of his toys as he could carry.

From the start to the finish.....
I could not have had a more beautiful day...One of THE BEST Birthdays I can remember in a lonnnngggg time. 
Pump class in the morning, Joanie, Tanner and Dad for lunch, Bike ride to the farm at Rancho to visit the animals, The beautiful sight of Tanner on the back of Joanies bike.. riding along, a dear in the path, Tanner discovering his Shadow, Tanner carressing my arm verry soft and lovingly… Verry special day.

Joy, JOY JOY to be with Tanner....
He has got to be the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful, gentle, CALM, BEAUTIFUL one year old boy I have ever been with...

I LOVE HIM

I LOVE HIM soooo much my heart aches, I cant hug him tight enough, long enough, cant look at him without thinking = feeling I want toe EAT HIM UP..

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE

I guess there is no way to be prepared for the BLOW your mind feelings that come from having your kid raise their own kid??????

FLASH BACK from 30+ years ago with me cycling Joanie around EVERYWHERE on my bike, cycling with one hand on the steering wheel and one holding her head back because as soon as we started to cycle she would fall asleep and her head would fall forward from the weight of her helmet.

SOOOOO sweet to see Tanner and Joanie holding hands as they cycled....

Tooo cute

Even Cutter

I read something lovely in SOUL MATES (by Thomas Moore) this afternoon when I was laying by the creek above Stevens Creek Reservoir….. About endings and beginnings...... 
It took me quite awhile to fully acknowledge, absorb, accept, come to terms with the ending of my last relationship… … THREE FRIGGEN YEARS AGO ALREADY!!!! (I guess some people are slower at some things than others??)
Page 104 to 200......it is about all endings, the ultimate Death of loved ones and ourselves.. Long story short, EVERY new beginning has the potential (more than likely) for an ending to be a part of it. Perhaps that contributes to why attempting to keep my heart open can be a challenge for me?? 

This spot by the creek... I was drawn to it this afternoon.. It;s a place of my youth.. My sister went to Girl Scout camp here? We played in the creek on hot days... I collected rocks (shhhh... don't tell anyone) I loaded up the trunk of my car MANY times, I made a path to my front door at my home on Bryant St. I put all those rocks in my cargo container and took them to New Zealand,,, The sound of the creek is home to me, the smell is home to me.. laying on my back and looking up at the sky through the trees is home to me. I LOVE my self portrait from today, I see my NEW necklace I bought myself today for my 49th birthday, it is a REMINDER for ME...to be LIGHTHEARTED AND KEEP AN OPEN HEART.. This is about the third year in a row my intention has been to keep my heart open.. I guess some things take longer to learn than others??

 Moment by Moment by Moment, I will be with the unfolding of my life, roll with the joys and sorrows, the ups and downs...to the best of my ability, attempt to be here and now with where I am in each moment..

This weekend, at ESALEN... I finished, "Be The Person You Want To Find" by Cheri Huber...... PROFOUND.... Every simple sentence, basic, clear, elementary.... ALL of which I HOPE I can incorporate into my life..... GET IT IN MY BONES??
http://www.livingcompassion.org/schedule

I'm not sure which retreat I will go to this summer?? I have a conflict with each one?? TOOOO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!