My FEELINGS = HOPEFUL and VULNERABLE....... sooo interesting,,,, 52 possible FEELINGS and that is what I chose in regards to RETURNING TO MY HOME IN AWHITU NEW ZELAND after 3 1/2 years.....

I’m SURE more... MANY more FEELINGS will envelop my body when i get “home” to my BELOVED HEAVEN..... But for my session of Empathy Poker that is all that was ALIVE IN ME.....



The NEEDS I was offered was MANY.... The ones I chose were.....

MOURNING ( I imagine this will be my first few weeks home)

ACCEPTANCE (For the REALITY of what is)

COMPASSION & EMPATHY (This I will be giving to MYSELF on a moment to moment basis I’m sure.)

SHARED REALITY (this was the MOST fun... Jesster (the clown that she is..... was holding this NEED and not offering it up to me...... She said, “I’m helping you out here... your going to be living in the wop wops, your going to be ALONE.. there is NOT going to be anyone for you out there”... Jean said, “Give it to her!!!” HYSTERICALLY FUNNY.. SWEET Jester.... trying to PROTECT me...... A Shared Reality does not have to come from my long time life partner/BELOVED.... As much as I hope some day it will.... Shared Reality can happen between any one..... it just has to be someone who loves and cares enough to want to attempt to get into my SKIN, my shoes, someone willing to LISTEN and REFLECT back what it is I am going through......I hope to be a good enough FRIEND to have a SHARED REALITY with others.... it is one of the MOST IMPORTANT NEEDS for me.. even if it is only a SHARED REALITY with my CAT... It will be Loving, connecting, being PRESENT for each other.....)

AFFECTION (could be hugs with friends, snuggles with my CAT, love I have to give children....and YES... I hope someday with my BELOVED)

NURTURANCE (I will have HOURS AND HOURS of hot bubble baths, I hope to get many hours of massage, I will take care of myself by making time to exercise, get plenty of sleep.....)

FRIENDSHIP (YEAAAAAAAAAA, CANT wait to be with my dear nutty NZ friends!!!!)

HELP & SUPPORT &PARTICIPATION (This is going to happen with George coming the month of March to help build the stage for the out door amphitheater. And the Many friends and wwoofers that are going to be coming)

LOVE
HARMONY
INTIMACY (ALL AROUND LONG TERM GOALS I HOPE TO ALWAYS HAVE MEET, by MESELF, WITH MYSELF, FOR MYSELF and YES someday with my BELOVED)

CLARITY &
TRUST (As to my decision long term to stay, go, or ????)

Sensory Meditation 

Guitar 

Singing

Chakra Awakening

Morning Celebration

Playful Feet Greeting one another

Freedom in movement

Letting Go

Waking Up

Sharing Love

Feeling the pulse of another’s heart beating under my hand..... CRACKING open my OWN heart.......

Feeling The Pulse of my own HEART BEATING.... it took some time.... I thought I might be dead... there was NOTHING for a long time.... untill I allowed my heart to soften and FEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL the pain, tears, love.... My heart partner “there for me”.... “supporting” me........

Hiking JOYFULLLY, PLAYFULLY

GET NAKED was the theme for the day... we decided that brought a BIGGER smile than saying CHEEZE..... Try it... see how the photos turn out?????

Surprise invitaion to DANCE AND SING in community....

BEAUTIFULL people

BEAUTIFUL inspiration ending with my heart once again BREAKING OPEN AND FLOWING FREELY along to the song of KIND AND GENEROUS

MEMORIES of the LOVE and GENEROSITY of soooo many loved ones along my life path.....The FLOW of LIFE when my heart is open and accepting.....



"Kind & Generous"

You've been so kind and generous

I don't know how you keep on giving

For your kindness I'm in debt to you

For your selflessness, my admiration

And for everything you've done 

You know I'm bound... 

I'm bound to thank you for it 

You've been so kind and generous

I don't know how you keep on giving

For your kindness I'm in debt to you

And I never could have come this far without you

So for everything you've done 

You know I'm bound... 

I'm bound to thank you for it 


I want to thank you

For so many gifts

You gave with love and tenderness

I want to thank you 

I want to thank you

For your generosity

The love and the honesty

That you gave me 


I want to thank you

Show my gratitude

My love and my respect for you

I want to thank you 

I want to... 

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

My Giraffe and Jackal expressed non-verbally through art......

I had the opportunity to choose object from nature and glue them onto a piece of cardboard.......

What the different objects represent to me......

My JUDGMENTAL JACKEL chose a dried cabbage leaf....

When I first moved to NZ I invited an old time naturalist to visit my land and help educate me in regards to the native verses non native trees and plants..

I told Jack.. “I’m going to cut down those cabbage trees.. I think they are ugly”

Jack said... “When you come to LOVE the cabbage tree you will be a TRUE KIWI”

Welllllllll.... I must now be a TRUE KIWI... I have come to love the cabbage tree.... 

I collect the “fronds” bundle them up and tie them together and use as kindling to start a fire....

I LOVE the SWEET gentle smell of the blossoms....

The old Cabbage trees are NARLEY and multi facetted... many branches, extremely interesting to look at.

I chose LOVE IN A MIST to represent LOVE.....

It is the sweetest light blue flower surrounded in light misty feathery softness. It is one of my favorite flowers... it is FRAGILE. It has a PROTECTIVE shell that holds the seeds of the future flower. The “Shell” protects the young seeds, holds them until they dried out and are ready to be exposed then released into the world.

I chose a DEAD, Shriveled up, OLD, small Maple Leaf.......

It represented the scarred, scared, almost dead part of my self that I have been dried out.... close to death...contracted....held tight.... It is a reminder to me that I have a chose in each moment... choose FEAR and close up to defend myself or OPEN MY HEART, expose my vulnerability, ASK questions, be willing to receive, BE OPEN, RECEPTIVE, LISTEN.. expose my true colors, my feelings.....BE LIGHT.

I chose the beautiful leaf to represent the DEEP BEAUTY, MULTI FACETTED parts of myself that are ALSO FLAWED= IMPERFECT no matter how beautiful.....

I chose the fennel to represent the PATH OF NVC........

There are bumps and challenges along the way, many choices on which way to go..AND the path is SOFT and GENTEL, sweet smelling and GIVING.....LOVE IS ALL I NEED< LOVE IS ALL I NEED< LOVE IS ALL I NEED......

I chose Purple, red, yellow and orange flower petals to represent JOY, LOVE, SACREDNESS, and ECSTATIC BLISS.... I will attempt to always scatter and share my JOY,LOVE, SACREDNESS and ECSTATIC BLISS.... 

I chose a prickly DEAD plant to represent the defenses we all put up to protect ourselves.

I will attempt to be aware when my own prickly shit comes up and know that it is probably an attempt to PROTECT and DEFEND our young, innocent, vulnerable side... I will be gentle with others and myself when I notice this prickly, harshness......I endeavor to be AWARE AND TAKE CARE OF OLD WOUNDS within myself and others...... There are STILL TO THIS DAY scars from old injuries..... physical, spiritual and emotional scars that are healed to certain degrees.. some are Gnarly, BIG, obvious scars.. some are smaller and still raw and pussy... The memory of the old injury is in the muscle tissue.. imbedded in the body memory... REMEMBER... LOVE IS ALL I NEED< LOVE IS ALL I NEED...Love and gentle care, tenderness, coaxing the old hurt....Can I see the beauty in it?? What is underneath, immeshed with in the scar??? CAN I LOOK DEEPER?? look at the texture? find something LIGHT? Courageous, can I find Empathy? A wise knowing learned from the experience???

I chose a long, straight stick to remind me that I need to be PATIENT with myself and others... The road is long- Take a BREAK and rest along the way when needed, pace myself, go lightly........

The end of one chapter... a START of a new one... 3 weeks at Esalen before going back “home” to NZ......





Discombobulation

Living out of my Car

NO HOME

UNKNOWN FUTURE

FEAR

EXCITEMENT

Anticipation???

Confusion

unorganization

COMPLETION

UNFINISHED bussiness

Completed bussiness

HEART ACHE

SADNESS

Excitement

HOPE

Four nights at Esalen.... I FORGOT about the 24/7 sound of the OCEAN,,, the never ending ROAR of the sea....Soooo Soothing, comforting, consitant, the sound of a clock ticking, heart beating, creek running.......I didn't even REMEMBER how much I missed it... until I heard it again.

MY PEOPLE

MY TRIBE

HY SPIRITUAL place on this earth....

Surrounded with other like minded people.....

Priorities

Stopping work each day to “CHECK IN” do a “Weather Report”, “Process” see how we are each doing? how were FEELING in our Bodies? Minds? Spirits??? Does anyone need support of any kind?? Are they tiered? need time alone? NO guessing NO making up a story?? nothing hidden behind... “HOW ARE YOU” ...”FINE” and “YOU????” It’s REALLLLLL..... “My uncle is dying and I would really rather be home with him than here at work”......”My boyfriend is going through a difficult time and it is hard to not want to take it all on myself”......”I’m a recovering alcoholic and I reallly really really want a drink right now AND I am sooooo proud of myself because I have not had one and I know life will not be better for me if I do have one soooo I’m going to ask for support and continue to NOT drink.”........ REALLL REALLL life. NO bullshit, pretend life is always rosy....

THE BEAUTY.......

Blue skys FILLED with Butterflies...

RUSHING waterfalls cascading over the boulders to the sea..

HOT Natural Spring waters that flow 24/7 from the earth to the sea.... Baths for us to soak our achy bodies in...

The sound of the dideriedo, drumming and sacred singing while sleeping in the silent bath house....

GIANT BON FIRE with guitar players and singers and FIVE raccoons for entertainment...

Singing around the Piano...

Pumpkin Carving Competition....

Farm Fresh Meals prepared three times a day DAILY....

Cooperating at “Work”... in the kitchen, in the laundry, in the garden...

Meeting new CHARACTERS...

Short Fat Skinny ones, long tall ugly ones, cranky old smelly ones, Long hard sexy ones, sweet young sexy ones....... I think I’ll eat some worms......

The ART BARN....

YOGA CLASSES......

THE GYM.......

Communication Class every night from 8 to 10... INTENSE..... CHALLENGING... LEARNING... EVOCATIVE.... Regrets for past life without these skills....HOPE for a BRIGHT HEALTHY future incorporating Giraffe into my life....

I need sleep to get up and do it again.........