I’m brining home a softness of heart, knowing how to “drop into my body & heart”, a new skill in listening to my GUT, INTUITION, SPIRIT and a way to “Track my inner life”. NO FEAR OF GOING DEEP. A willingness to look at CONFLICT, (mine and others),The openness to look at what I don't want to see = “MY Posts.”
Something happened to us. Some one did something to me.. Betrayal, TRUST was broken.
My heart is beating, throbbing, my breathing is shallow YET..... HEAVING, it feels like a weight is trapping me, an elephants leg is stampeding my heart, my heart is smashed, indistinguishable, it’s blood and guts no longer beating, no longer a muscle, it is mucous splattered in the saliva, drool, tears, blood, snot, come of my brothers ejaculate that had been shoved down my throat, choking me, cutting off my oxygen, I’m shaking, quivering, frozen, paralyzed, stuffed, blown apart, my innocence ripped out of me.. laying on the ground with the heart that is no longer beating, devastated, shocked, confused, frozen, scarred, how can MY heart be blown apart smashed to pieces and keep me alive?? DENIAL...ARMOR... PROTECTION..Shaking, shivering, stifled, crusty, dried come in what had been my soft, clean, innocent long blond hair...... I don't think I even knew what a penis was??? I don't think I even knew what was happening to me? “There is something weird on my butt? it woke me up in the middle of the night” AND I wonder why I have had recurring dreams all my life about pretending to be dead so I wouldn't get shot? Pretended to be dead amongst a pile of dead bodies so they would think I was dead so they wouldn't shoot me” Why would those dreams even surprise me now??? NEVER HIDE... It is on my vision board as a REMINDER.. a REMINDER to LIVE... to GET UP AND TRY.... GOTTA GET UP AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY.. Shaking.. Quivering....FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY I tell myself.... Lick your wounds, feel the grief and get up and try... if you don't try you will be just another dead body pretending to be dead but your reallly not.. your just hiding, shaking.... LIFE starts at the end of your comfort zone.... LIVE... CHOOSE LIFE... GOTTA GET UP AND TRY and try and try... BREATHE, suck up the snot, DO NOT ALLOW THE ARMOR to harden your heart. OPEN IT,..... LET IT GO.. do NOT drink the poison... FEEL the FEAR.. it is okay to shake, SHAKE IT OFF, LET IT GO... FORGIVE... LOVE YOURSELF, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, BE YOURSELF, LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY... this is NOT a dress rehearsal... this is YOUR one and only life, make it a good one, ENJOY it, Enjoy the ride, feel the breeze as you drop down from the top of that roller coaster....PUT YOUR ARMS UP, LET GO, FLY......you will always shake, you will always feel, it will not kill you, you may think it will, it will feel like it but it wont kill you.. BREATHE.........CRACK OPEN... you are innocent, you are clean, you are FREEE, you can TRUST, there are trustworthy people MEN, you have known some of them, they have loved you, you have been held, you have been loved, you are LOVABLE.. sweet, innocent, soft, clean, young.
IDEA,,,, Brilliant idea,, the Zen Master says when “something DROPS into you”, It must be “god given, not from your head” well, this morning something BRILLIANT “dropped into me”......I think it would be a GREAT, no BRILLIANT research project to just come right out and ask a man I’m physically attracted to if he is attracted to me... JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND ASK.... “Hello....I am felling sexual energy course through my body, jittery butterflies, my stomach is turning, my cunt is pulsing, my nipples are hard, my mouth is salivating, I see you and ENERGY vibrates inside me..... I’m wondering.. NO.. I’m doing a research project... I want to know if every man I have these physical sensations about feels the same about me?? OR is it one sided???” Sooo, can you tell me if you have any sexual tension in your body when we are close to each other?” Wouldn't that be LOVELY.... if I was BRAVE enough, COURAGEOUS enough, Self confident enough..... So what if he says, “WHAT? where the fuck are you coming from woman? Why would you think I have any interest in you?” OR.... the response might me.... “You, GRANDMA are not even on my radar.. I didn't know you were even in the room.” YES... These are the possible responses that keep me from being REAL, expressing my TRUE feelings.. “They” would probably lock me up.. reallly think I was nuts... Perhaps I could get a REAL job doing this research project, get a legitimate university to study it.. For GOD sake there is research on the Brain Vagina Connection, the effects of Forgiveness, why not research the chemical attraction between men and women? Why would GOD make one person sexually attracted to another if the other wasn't going to be sexually attracted back??? What would the purpose be in that???? Sooooo be brave, JUST ASK>>>> “Hi.. I don't know you but looking at you makes me want to FUCK you.. do you by chance have any of the same desires??” NO, Okay.. Good to know. I will make note of that....It’s not like there are that many guys I am sexualy attracted to.. they really are FEW AND FAR between SOOO when I walk away from one I’m attracted to without finding out if it is mutual I REGRET it latter. I have started to keep track in my head of all the men I was NUTS for and didn't take action on.. The guy at burning man.... OH MY GOD... SEXY, strong, brown, bulging arms, ass, hardly any clothes... ITalian?? He spun the wheel to see what his punishment was for not bring a cup to the bar.. it was my turn to give what ever the punishment would be. LOVE PUDDLE PUNCH we were serving.... My GOD,,, I got to hand cuff him to the post and blind fold him... I could have done anything to him.. ANYTHING.... tickely him, lick him, kiss him behind the neck, feather him till he begged me to stop,,, What did I do.. NOTHING... I FUCKING FROZE..... I will die regretting not having my way with him. we could have spent the whole week FUCKING each other in the dust and heat at buringman... Then there was the four guys that I wanted to eat the flowerless chocolate cake off my body I made it just for that occasion... why didn't I ask for what I wanted... TOO FUCKING SHY.. I VOW here and now to SPEAK MY TRUTH, have COURAGOUS Conversations, GO DEEP, BE HONEST.. sooo what if "they" are not interested in me, someday my TRUTH will make a difference, someday I will be able to speak my truth without shaking, feeling gittery, sounding awkward... OR NOT?? perhaps i will always feel the butterflies... Perhpas that is how I will know I am speaking my truth???
Go out side sit quietly, soften gaze, just be, breathe with what ever is, let it speak to you.
Ancestors, Friends, Guides...Wind, Water, EARTH...Sound, Feel, Taste, give to me, guide me, I want to hear you, come to me, move through me.. I hear you wind, I feel your power, your soft gentleness, I know the devastation with in you, the gifts you give, what you are capable of taking away with you, what you can provide, your power is immense, I thank you for your contributions.....Sound,, sooo much created by the wind... The moving, swaying of the trees, the water rolling in and out on the rocky shore, the needles, dirt, gravel rustling in the gutters of my soul. The warmth of the sun comforts me, melts my icy heart, my frozen, cold, hardened heart, I need the sun. I don't want to live in rigidity.... isolation... LOVE, COMPANIONSHIP, COMMUNITY, a gathering of people for a shared experience, a coming together, support, warmth, wrapped in a warm blanket, hot chocolate, dog pile closeness... My yearning, emeshment, whats wrong with immeshment??? Yea Yea Yea... were suppose to be independent, self sufficient, capable, strong, FUCK THAT.. I have been that hard hearted tough ass all my life, I want to be mush, dependent, I want to actually TRUST enough that I can allow myself to let go, float in the salty sea, be held by the waters of the world, supported by the bounties of the garden of life, KNOW in my bones that I can LET GO... LET GO... LET GO... TRUST that the wild winds of my desires are not so strong, so powerful, so potent as to devastate me... OR so fragile as to be blown away because they have not yet been buried deep enough to be protected....CARE... WATER...SLEEP, EXERCISE, TIME.. Time to care for my desires, time with myself, not a knight in shinning armor to save me, protect me but an equal within me....
I LOVE MEN......
The First Man in my Life... The MAN I learned how to be a person around, the man I learned about TRUST, COMPANIONSHIP, FEAR, LOVE..... Can I say Love, YES.. Definitely.. there was LOVE...as much LOVE as FEAR and HATE but it was PSYCHO love...a LOVE I COULD NOT TRUST... A love that was UNDEPENDABLE, a LOVE that WAS CONDITIONAL... He only loved me if I was quiet, well behaved and WORKING..Walking on egg shells, ckkkkkkkkkkk,....sliced, torn up in my soul.. My life MANTRA....“DONT do anything to piss off Dad”,always in my head, my MANTRA warns me, “be careful what you say” ...it could be anything.. something innocent.. just sharing my day...what was it.. I would never know... sooooo I was cautious, I tried to think through what I would share with him?? “Will this make him snap? I edited my thoughts.. edited what I would share, most the time it din’t matter how well I imagined what I was going to say would be okay, benign, safe... He WOULD snap at a moments notice. Throw something, “You Idiot..... Didn't you see that telephone cord? How could you trip over that telephone cord? If your Head wasn't attached to your body it would fall off”....Living in FEAR causes tension... NO.. Living in fear FUCKS YOU UP...Always waiting, knowing,,, when was the shoe going to drop???? never being able to fully enjoy one moment for FEAR of his RATH his ANGER...IT was a POWERFUL energy, an undercurrent that WOULD overtake anything and EVERYTHING lovely, at any time...,, THE BLOB that you knew was coming, rolling, just around the corner.. it might be behind you, might be a few blocks away but you KNEW the BLOB would eventually OVERTAKE you.. the house...the WORLD.... never knowing when..... BUT the BLOB WOULD incorporate you into it’s mass......just when?????
There were lovely times... Laying on his lap every night of my life....It was my spot.. on his lap.. He in HIS overstuffed most comfortable chair in the house.. me on HIS lap Mom would say.. Go to bed,, Dad would say, “Let her come sit on my lap for a little while.” WE knew what that meant....I would feel his heart beating, feel his strong arms holding me, hear his deep voice sing.... “Froggy went a corten he did ride ahhhhhhh, Froggy went a corten he did ride sword and a pistol by his side ahhhhh... The one and only song I ever remember him singing... I didn't care he had no lullaby repertoire, I could hear that song every night, all my life, forever and be blissfully happy. It was the way I felt the sound reverberate through his body, mingle into my bones..We were one..The smell of BRUTE, OLD SPICE? clean undershirt, prickles of his stubble on my fair cheek.... it was comfort, safety, love... I don't remember any fear sitting on his lap every night of my young life... falling asleep in contented Bliss....UNTIL.. one night... Was I ten?? 8? 9? I was on my way to dream land, comfortably sprawled all over his lap, when...shockingly out of the blue.... The BLOB was there.....Angry, loud, shockingly cruel voice... “Get up, go to bed, YOU are TOO big to be carried to bed anymore”..... THAT Was my DEATH, the BLOB had sucked me up for GOOD.
LOVE LETTERS TO ME.. From the writers (my class mates) at Hollyhock (I include these to REMIND myself that what I have to say MATTERS...that I am worthy of speaking my truth )
Cheryle: I love the absolute TRUTH that you convey with each piece. I also love your energy and your giggle. ESPECIALLY your giggle! Thank you fr being so visible. Thank you for being so warm. I will see you in new Zealand
Cheryle: “I want to mush” your stories are like you. strong, positive, but also touchingly vulnerable & tender. I have so admired your spirit & capacity for joy. thank you
Cheryle/Peaches: “Dog pile closeness, I want to be mush. you are a POWER HOUSE. So multi dimensional -tender-soft-meaningful-stron-funny and wacky. And what a life to tell. I hope you continue on this path writing your life and sharing it with others. You are a jewel.
Loved the way you moved from observation of scene to your personal longings. Your writing is marked by great honesty- at times raw & visceral- at times soft and feminine- I sense the conflict which is very powerful ingredient of interesting writing.
Cheryle: You are inspiration. I love that you did not shy away form the graphic details and trauma of childhood- you bravely faced fear and let go and the expression/ the physicality brought forth in the telling wa full of heart, love and generosity of spirit. I can’t wait o learn what’s next. Your wisdom will inspire others.
Cheryle, WOW- so much honesty, so much love, lust, hate, anger, wanting, spirit - you intimidate me a bit. Your writing sometimes sounds like a provocative editorial on the world & other times-you make me cry for you. I lust you-yes. I am scared of being one more who might -would hurt you.
From - I think you said first day “I’m not a writer" to being one- I love how you write in hit pay day. Your passion, juiciness & desire for freedom break through. I love how the challenges don't STOP you. I admire your courage- your speaking your truth.
STRONG, honest writing from the heart- FEARLESSNESS - Inspirational - STRONG and Vulnerable exploration.
Cheryle/Peaches: I think you are FABULOUS! I love that last piece about emmeshment. Time to let go: soften the heart, take care of your hearts desires. It has been such a pleasure getting of know you and I feel we will remain friends. Maybe I will get to California before you leave, if not in NZ. Thanks for sharing your beauty!
Dear Cheryle, I love your defiant strength. your strong independent spirit willing to be “mush” - to love and be loved- that is an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your funny, painful and powerful stories!
“hot chocolate wrapped in a blanket, dog-pile closeness” LOVE it! I want it too! “An equal within” Love your writing, love your open heart. Love your willingness to dive in and go everywhere. You are inspiring and I love the strength and playfulness you have shown in improve, performance and writing. Thank you so much. Love X