Sunrise from my bedroom…. AMAZING….

As much as I LOVE my home here in NZ… I am DONE… I am tiered…I am broke and I want to be with my Daughter, Grandson and soon to be Granddaughter…

SOOOOOO….. Tell EVERYONE…. for $980 THOUSAND dollars they can own a piece of heaven here on earth.

THE ADVENTURES I have had………..


Soooo many….

the latest was a sheep shooting…..

We got two… Reni, (friend from Switzerland who had never been involved with sheep before) Skinned and butchered one sheep all by herself.. following my example.. She froze the WHOLE FILET and took it home to Switzeralad in her suit case and cooked it up for her husband the night she got home!! WHAT A NUT!!!! There are only two girlfriends in my life that can go from hiking in cow poo to putting on a dress (quick change on the streets of Auckland) and off to the poshest of events.. RENI is one of them… Gotta LOVE LIFE living it to the fullest every moment…… I had to rest after her two week visit!! I can barely keep up with her.

Seven hours to skin and butcher… then we cooked up a feast for a Dinner Party for Renis going away night.

I can bring home the bacon…. Fry it up in a pan.. and never ever let him FORGET he's a man.. because I'm a WOMAN……..

Kristen is the new tennant in the cottage…. WATCH OUT world.. she may end up being my third girlfriend that is willing to be a massive NUT…..

FRIENDS for life….. all of us.. we could NOT have done it without TERRY….. HE IS THE MAN…

WE LOVE AND ADORE HIM!!!!

Being KIDS together

Life on the edge

NOTHING more fun then running down the GIANT sand dunes on the west coast of the Awhitu Peninsula…

HOW we get out kicks!!!

Nobody but Reni has any idea of how hard it was to get out the ALIAGNUS, combined with the HONEYSUCKEL!!!!!!! 

We WORKED hard together.

YOU ARE ARE A MAD WOMAN Reni and I LOVE YOU!!!!!

I use the term WOP WOPS in the MOST LOVING WAY…..It means RURAL living in the middle of KNOW WHERE…..
The most CHALLANGING thing for me is NO INTERNET.. I could get a SLOW LAND LINE which I am probably going to succumb to eventually… 
The second most CHALLANGING thins is that EVERYWHERE I TURN THERE IS WORK TO BE DONE…..

I NEED HELP…. BIG TIME… STRONG, Physically CAPABLE people.. send them my way….
I will FEED and Accommodate in exchange for 4 hours of work a day…..

I am also looking for ARTISTs in RESIDENCE.. basically the same deal.. they create art for heaven… I especially want a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.. see photo and a GLASS gate welded together with Old Glass Platters.. I'm open to other ART PROJECTS.. Lots of fun possibilities..

THE MOST SATISFYING WONDERFUL TREAT… was picking a FRESH RIPE PEACH off my Veranda… I have KILLED NINE possums to date sense I have been home… FIGHTING for my PEACHES….

Christmas CHEER was spread with CHICKEN MAN on Motercycle and Santa with a drink in his hand. GREAT FUN.. Great MEMORIES of Christmas PAST… My first year of participating in the tradition DAD was Santa Claus….. 

THRILLED to have had a few days off to walk to the WILD WEST coast with friend Jenna From CA… and spend a day at the harbor beach kayaking and having a boat ride… Good to PRETEND to be on Holliday for a few days…

I had a GREAT day in the Art Studio finishing my VISION BOARD for 2014….. I look forward to MANIFESTING GREAT THINGS….. 

LOVE my time alone… solitude is GOOD.
LOVE having company as well.
LOOK forward to sharing my life with a SPECIAL person someday TOOOOOOOOO.
BASICLY.. ALL GOOD.

For Christmas I gave my FAVORITE Little Hamilton Girls EXPEREINCES….. Arron came over for a day of ART.. We made a mask of her face. VERRRRY FUN..
Myrell and I will COOK YUMMY FOOD together and Gwen and i will go be GIRLY GIRLY girls and have a manicure and pedicure before it is time for her to go back to BOARDING SCHOOL… GEEEEZZZEEE…. Time does NOT STAND STILL.. 3 1/2 years latter those girls are soon to be WOMEN.

CHRITMAS PAST……. TOM BARTON as Santa,, MOM as Mrs. Claus

FUN to be…..
SILLY
NUTS
TOGETHER

Monday November 25, 2013
THE REASON I LIVE IN HEAVEN… YES THE WOP WOPS… The Middle of NOWHERE……
5:40am I woke to the SUNRISE…
The BIRDS Singing….
A STAG in my back yard…..WITH GIANT ANTLERS.. in all the years I have lived here I have only ever seen him two other times, both of which he was in the same place far far away on my neighbors land.. This morning he was at the bottom of my amphitheater… GOOD OMEN I'm SURE…….

I TOTALY Forgot how AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL the clouds are DAILY…. 

GREAT APPRECIATION…. thanks to my MOTHER.. she LOVED the clouds… "LOOK AT THOSE CLOUDS!!!"

She was known at De Anza Preschool as the teacher that had the kids lay down on their back and look up at the CLOUDS.

I'm NO LONGER Loanly Loansome all by my self…….

CREAM is following me around like a DOG….. She LOVES me still…. even though I left her, ABANDONDED her for 3 1/2 years… She purrs like MAD when I pet her, she seems to forgive me… If she even cared??? Perhaps I put my human "stuff" on her??? I think she is PERFECTLY happy without me in her life.. SHE had NEil for GOD SAKE… She was sleeping under the covers with NEil.. How or WHY would she miss me???? She was well taken care of, Verrrry Well LOVED… I know people who STOP their lives because they CANT LEAVE their DOG… I dont know anyone who feels that way about their Cat?? I am NOT one of those people. Animals are Animals… And YES… I Love them but they are NOT the End All and BE ALL that dictates how I will LIVE my life…. AND I am SOOOO happy that Cream still loves me and is my Companion for NOW.. Yes I am writing about my CAT…..Okay.. I must already be "Around the Bend"…. I remember my sister Jennifer writing about her CAT prior to having Jessica.. I knew when the baby came she would STOP writing about her CAT and write about her BABY… As perdicted it happened. THANK THE GODDESS for our animals in our TIME OF NEED… They are TRULEY Loving beings that give us WARMTH and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE when we need it…….

My FEELINGS = HOPEFUL and VULNERABLE....... sooo interesting,,,, 52 possible FEELINGS and that is what I chose in regards to RETURNING TO MY HOME IN AWHITU NEW ZELAND after 3 1/2 years.....

I’m SURE more... MANY more FEELINGS will envelop my body when i get “home” to my BELOVED HEAVEN..... But for my session of Empathy Poker that is all that was ALIVE IN ME.....



The NEEDS I was offered was MANY.... The ones I chose were.....

MOURNING ( I imagine this will be my first few weeks home)

ACCEPTANCE (For the REALITY of what is)

COMPASSION & EMPATHY (This I will be giving to MYSELF on a moment to moment basis I’m sure.)

SHARED REALITY (this was the MOST fun... Jesster (the clown that she is..... was holding this NEED and not offering it up to me...... She said, “I’m helping you out here... your going to be living in the wop wops, your going to be ALONE.. there is NOT going to be anyone for you out there”... Jean said, “Give it to her!!!” HYSTERICALLY FUNNY.. SWEET Jester.... trying to PROTECT me...... A Shared Reality does not have to come from my long time life partner/BELOVED.... As much as I hope some day it will.... Shared Reality can happen between any one..... it just has to be someone who loves and cares enough to want to attempt to get into my SKIN, my shoes, someone willing to LISTEN and REFLECT back what it is I am going through......I hope to be a good enough FRIEND to have a SHARED REALITY with others.... it is one of the MOST IMPORTANT NEEDS for me.. even if it is only a SHARED REALITY with my CAT... It will be Loving, connecting, being PRESENT for each other.....)

AFFECTION (could be hugs with friends, snuggles with my CAT, love I have to give children....and YES... I hope someday with my BELOVED)

NURTURANCE (I will have HOURS AND HOURS of hot bubble baths, I hope to get many hours of massage, I will take care of myself by making time to exercise, get plenty of sleep.....)

FRIENDSHIP (YEAAAAAAAAAA, CANT wait to be with my dear nutty NZ friends!!!!)

HELP & SUPPORT &PARTICIPATION (This is going to happen with George coming the month of March to help build the stage for the out door amphitheater. And the Many friends and wwoofers that are going to be coming)

LOVE
HARMONY
INTIMACY (ALL AROUND LONG TERM GOALS I HOPE TO ALWAYS HAVE MEET, by MESELF, WITH MYSELF, FOR MYSELF and YES someday with my BELOVED)

CLARITY &
TRUST (As to my decision long term to stay, go, or ????)

Sensory Meditation 

Guitar 

Singing

Chakra Awakening

Morning Celebration

Playful Feet Greeting one another

Freedom in movement

Letting Go

Waking Up

Sharing Love

Feeling the pulse of another’s heart beating under my hand..... CRACKING open my OWN heart.......

Feeling The Pulse of my own HEART BEATING.... it took some time.... I thought I might be dead... there was NOTHING for a long time.... untill I allowed my heart to soften and FEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL the pain, tears, love.... My heart partner “there for me”.... “supporting” me........

Hiking JOYFULLLY, PLAYFULLY

GET NAKED was the theme for the day... we decided that brought a BIGGER smile than saying CHEEZE..... Try it... see how the photos turn out?????

Surprise invitaion to DANCE AND SING in community....

BEAUTIFULL people

BEAUTIFUL inspiration ending with my heart once again BREAKING OPEN AND FLOWING FREELY along to the song of KIND AND GENEROUS

MEMORIES of the LOVE and GENEROSITY of soooo many loved ones along my life path.....The FLOW of LIFE when my heart is open and accepting.....



"Kind & Generous"

You've been so kind and generous

I don't know how you keep on giving

For your kindness I'm in debt to you

For your selflessness, my admiration

And for everything you've done 

You know I'm bound... 

I'm bound to thank you for it 

You've been so kind and generous

I don't know how you keep on giving

For your kindness I'm in debt to you

And I never could have come this far without you

So for everything you've done 

You know I'm bound... 

I'm bound to thank you for it 


I want to thank you

For so many gifts

You gave with love and tenderness

I want to thank you 

I want to thank you

For your generosity

The love and the honesty

That you gave me 


I want to thank you

Show my gratitude

My love and my respect for you

I want to thank you 

I want to... 

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

My Giraffe and Jackal expressed non-verbally through art......

I had the opportunity to choose object from nature and glue them onto a piece of cardboard.......

What the different objects represent to me......

My JUDGMENTAL JACKEL chose a dried cabbage leaf....

When I first moved to NZ I invited an old time naturalist to visit my land and help educate me in regards to the native verses non native trees and plants..

I told Jack.. “I’m going to cut down those cabbage trees.. I think they are ugly”

Jack said... “When you come to LOVE the cabbage tree you will be a TRUE KIWI”

Welllllllll.... I must now be a TRUE KIWI... I have come to love the cabbage tree.... 

I collect the “fronds” bundle them up and tie them together and use as kindling to start a fire....

I LOVE the SWEET gentle smell of the blossoms....

The old Cabbage trees are NARLEY and multi facetted... many branches, extremely interesting to look at.

I chose LOVE IN A MIST to represent LOVE.....

It is the sweetest light blue flower surrounded in light misty feathery softness. It is one of my favorite flowers... it is FRAGILE. It has a PROTECTIVE shell that holds the seeds of the future flower. The “Shell” protects the young seeds, holds them until they dried out and are ready to be exposed then released into the world.

I chose a DEAD, Shriveled up, OLD, small Maple Leaf.......

It represented the scarred, scared, almost dead part of my self that I have been dried out.... close to death...contracted....held tight.... It is a reminder to me that I have a chose in each moment... choose FEAR and close up to defend myself or OPEN MY HEART, expose my vulnerability, ASK questions, be willing to receive, BE OPEN, RECEPTIVE, LISTEN.. expose my true colors, my feelings.....BE LIGHT.

I chose the beautiful leaf to represent the DEEP BEAUTY, MULTI FACETTED parts of myself that are ALSO FLAWED= IMPERFECT no matter how beautiful.....

I chose the fennel to represent the PATH OF NVC........

There are bumps and challenges along the way, many choices on which way to go..AND the path is SOFT and GENTEL, sweet smelling and GIVING.....LOVE IS ALL I NEED< LOVE IS ALL I NEED< LOVE IS ALL I NEED......

I chose Purple, red, yellow and orange flower petals to represent JOY, LOVE, SACREDNESS, and ECSTATIC BLISS.... I will attempt to always scatter and share my JOY,LOVE, SACREDNESS and ECSTATIC BLISS.... 

I chose a prickly DEAD plant to represent the defenses we all put up to protect ourselves.

I will attempt to be aware when my own prickly shit comes up and know that it is probably an attempt to PROTECT and DEFEND our young, innocent, vulnerable side... I will be gentle with others and myself when I notice this prickly, harshness......I endeavor to be AWARE AND TAKE CARE OF OLD WOUNDS within myself and others...... There are STILL TO THIS DAY scars from old injuries..... physical, spiritual and emotional scars that are healed to certain degrees.. some are Gnarly, BIG, obvious scars.. some are smaller and still raw and pussy... The memory of the old injury is in the muscle tissue.. imbedded in the body memory... REMEMBER... LOVE IS ALL I NEED< LOVE IS ALL I NEED...Love and gentle care, tenderness, coaxing the old hurt....Can I see the beauty in it?? What is underneath, immeshed with in the scar??? CAN I LOOK DEEPER?? look at the texture? find something LIGHT? Courageous, can I find Empathy? A wise knowing learned from the experience???

I chose a long, straight stick to remind me that I need to be PATIENT with myself and others... The road is long- Take a BREAK and rest along the way when needed, pace myself, go lightly........

The end of one chapter... a START of a new one... 3 weeks at Esalen before going back “home” to NZ......





Discombobulation

Living out of my Car

NO HOME

UNKNOWN FUTURE

FEAR

EXCITEMENT

Anticipation???

Confusion

unorganization

COMPLETION

UNFINISHED bussiness

Completed bussiness

HEART ACHE

SADNESS

Excitement

HOPE

Four nights at Esalen.... I FORGOT about the 24/7 sound of the OCEAN,,, the never ending ROAR of the sea....Soooo Soothing, comforting, consitant, the sound of a clock ticking, heart beating, creek running.......I didn't even REMEMBER how much I missed it... until I heard it again.

MY PEOPLE

MY TRIBE

HY SPIRITUAL place on this earth....

Surrounded with other like minded people.....

Priorities

Stopping work each day to “CHECK IN” do a “Weather Report”, “Process” see how we are each doing? how were FEELING in our Bodies? Minds? Spirits??? Does anyone need support of any kind?? Are they tiered? need time alone? NO guessing NO making up a story?? nothing hidden behind... “HOW ARE YOU” ...”FINE” and “YOU????” It’s REALLLLLL..... “My uncle is dying and I would really rather be home with him than here at work”......”My boyfriend is going through a difficult time and it is hard to not want to take it all on myself”......”I’m a recovering alcoholic and I reallly really really want a drink right now AND I am sooooo proud of myself because I have not had one and I know life will not be better for me if I do have one soooo I’m going to ask for support and continue to NOT drink.”........ REALLL REALLL life. NO bullshit, pretend life is always rosy....

THE BEAUTY.......

Blue skys FILLED with Butterflies...

RUSHING waterfalls cascading over the boulders to the sea..

HOT Natural Spring waters that flow 24/7 from the earth to the sea.... Baths for us to soak our achy bodies in...

The sound of the dideriedo, drumming and sacred singing while sleeping in the silent bath house....

GIANT BON FIRE with guitar players and singers and FIVE raccoons for entertainment...

Singing around the Piano...

Pumpkin Carving Competition....

Farm Fresh Meals prepared three times a day DAILY....

Cooperating at “Work”... in the kitchen, in the laundry, in the garden...

Meeting new CHARACTERS...

Short Fat Skinny ones, long tall ugly ones, cranky old smelly ones, Long hard sexy ones, sweet young sexy ones....... I think I’ll eat some worms......

The ART BARN....

YOGA CLASSES......

THE GYM.......

Communication Class every night from 8 to 10... INTENSE..... CHALLENGING... LEARNING... EVOCATIVE.... Regrets for past life without these skills....HOPE for a BRIGHT HEALTHY future incorporating Giraffe into my life....

I need sleep to get up and do it again.........

PURE BLISSSSS
soaking up the sun
feeling the weight of the pumpkins
being able to run FREEEEEE
climb over
sit on
roll around.....

This kids "thing" is things that spin.....
HE LOVES things that spin.....
Sense he was a little baby he has explored attempting to spin things...

LOOK AT THAT FACE.....
HAVE YOU EVER SENSE SUCH A PERFECTLY SWEET FACE???
His little chin
Perfect white skin, adorable nose, sweet sweet eyes....... OHHHHHH......

The relaxing, calming, soothing sound of corn stalks blowing in the wind....
eating Kettle corn....
NOT being lost in the corn maze for hours.

Jumping like a monkey in the bouncy house.

Feeling all the animals in the petting zoo.

He knows just how to hold his hand flat so the animals can eat out of it.

Pony ride

Sweet love
Tight HUGS
Sillyness
TRUE LOVE
SAD GOODBYES
in my HEART FOREVER
LOVE
LOVE 
LOVE

By Janet Geringer Waititz, ED.D
Dedicated to adult children of alcoholics....
HIHGLY RECOMMENDED
Simple
Basic
Straightforward......

What is a HEALTHY relationship?????
#1) I can be ME.
#2) You can be YOU
#3) We can be US.
#4) I can grow.
#5) You can grow.
#6) We can grow TOGETHER.

DUHHHH
sooo simple........and yet?????

I was not raised by alcoholics BUT both my parents Fathers were alcoholics.
Basically this book is excellent for anyone raised in a dysfunctional family.
Totally dated.. which makes is sweet.

Some of my favorite parts in the book is when she goes through the MYTH's... (for example) the Myth that "If I am involved with you I will lose me."
For each Myth she says,......
TRUTH.......... (she explains what the truth is)
In the REAL WORLD................(she explains what happens in the real world)

GOTTA LOVE IT

Another chapter I LOVED was about EXPECTATIONS.......
SHE SAYS......
Healthy relationships involve EXPECTATIONS.... 
It is a Shared commitment to FULFILL them. .. 
YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR PARTNER what your expectations are!!! 
If you tell your partner what you want and he/she does NOT fulfill them, it needs to be talked about. 
NEEDS/ Expectations need to be expressed and discussed? don't know? Ask?

There is also a great little chapter on Incest...... 
SHE SAYS the effects of incest are more detrimental than the effects of Alcoholism.....(not that comparison is a good thing) but she points it out in an attempt to make sure those of us who have been afflicted by incest GET HELP.......THANK goodness there is sooooo much "help" in soooo many different forms available.

Long Story Short........
If you struggle with INTIMACY This is a great read.


xxoo
cg